Nails on a chalkboard

Do you remember when your child was a baby and you just could not wait for the moment they could say their first words? Then one day you found yourself imagining some sort of bionic earplugs? That's where I've been lately. I might need to put a disclaimer on my blog just to make sure everyone knows that I am madly deeply head over heels in love with my child but as any parent knows raising them is the hardest job you will ever have. Every season of their life comes with a different obstacle and it seems as if once you move past that one you get a whole new one to deal with. I am currently residing in the I am almost 8 years old so I know far more than you do syndrome that comes with the complete package of sarcasm, smart mouth, and the all too often eye roll. Here are five of his favorite phrases that he is currently using that are currently the equivalent of fingers on the chalkboard for me:

1- "who cares, I don't care". Yes that is all one fluent sentence. He is asking and answering a question all in one statement. 

Example: Colby if you do not brush your teeth they are going to rot out of your mouth!

"Who cares, I don't care"

Colby put your seatbelt on. You would not want mommy to have a wreck and you go through the windshield would you?

"Who cares, I don't care"

2- "It's my life, my rules". This one makes me want to, very lovingly, pinch his head straight off his shoulders. 

Ex: Colby you cannot eat pancakes on the couch

"It's my life, my rules"

Colby you cannot wear that, it doesn't match

"It's my life, my rules"

3- "ewwwwww you just got burned". I thought surely this phrase died in 1998. Apparently not being that it is his favorite thing to say these days. It also has a "cute" little hand motion that goes with it. The funny part about this one is he barely says it at a time when it actually applies. 

Ex: I catch a red light in the morning when we are already running late.

"Ewwwww mom you just got burned!"

I spill something, drop something, do anything that follows with an "oh crap"...Yes I say crap around my kid. I'm convicted of it every time, but it is better than other choice words. Just give me this one okay...

"Ewwwww mom you just got burned" 

4- "right now". It is my honor to provide for my child. He is a true gift and treasure from God, but when he tags the phrase "right now" to the end of a question it makes my horns spike right out of my head!

Ex: Mom can you bring me my chocolate milk,remote, plate, iPod,  red motorcycle with the white number plate with the blue guy with the yellow helmet "right now". 

"Mom can you come here." Five seconds later "mama I said can you come here…… " Five seconds after that "mom I said come here right now"

5- "you're the worst mom ever". I would love to admit that this one doesn't hurt my feelings because I know he loves me very much but it does poke at my heartstrings. Like every other man figures out in his lifetime, He knows exactly what to say to hurt my feelings and this is it. The decent thing about my child is even though it may take an hour for regret to set in, I generally do get an apology for this phrase. 

Ex: Colby I understand that you want to go to _______ house, but you can't go unless you're invited. You can't just show up to _____ house uninvited. 

"Your the worst mom ever"

Colby for the 10th time I said no candy at the checkout line!

"Your the worst mom ever" 

I tried a new tactic today that made him change his tune. As I was folding clothes earlier a song was on TV and I was doing myself a little happy dance folding my clothes. He was totally embarrassed and was pleading with me to stop. I then responded to him and said how embarrassed would you be if mommy did that dance in front of all of your friends? His jaw immediately dropped and he said you would never do that to me. With a simple smile I looked at him and said if you ever tell me I'm the worst mommy ever again I can promise you that every last one of your friends will see your mommy do that dance....repeatedly.....with hand motions and singing. Hopefully the idea of that mortified him enough that we can keep that last one at bay for a little while.