Just Because

A few months ago, Jason and I went to Vegas. We had the best time together, just us. I was prepared when we got back to have people ask how our trip was, how the flight was, if we spotted Elvis and could we now retire after hitting the jackpot. What I didn’t expect to be asked so often was “What were you celebrating?” I guess in my sudden guilt of taking a trip just because, I started pulling dates that were close to when we went. Our anniversary was in a few weeks, Jason was also turning 39 in a few weeks and I had a birthday right around the corner. That should be enough reasons to take a big trip, right?

               It suddenly hit me one day that just because was reason enough. Why? Because marriage should be full of just because things.

               Two years ago, after a really good discussion about why marriage is so hard, we made the decision that in order for us to make this work and withstand everything the world throws at us, we HAD to start making time for just because stuff. We also had to do this WITHOUT the parental guilt that comes along with doing things together that often excludes our kiddo. Can we be honest for a minute; our day to day movements usually always include just because stuff for our kids. From making that random McDonald's trip, to sports functions, to the trampoline park, to birthday parties, to practice, to having a friend over, to dance, to church and to everything else in between, most kids get plenty of just because moments sprinkled all throughout the year, sometimes daily. Our days revolve around where we need to be next and how to make sure everyone is happy in the process. Why do we do these things? Because we love our kids and their happiness and quality of life mean something to us. Shouldn’t we treat our marriage the same way?

We started small with a night away on the coast. Nothing fancy, just some crab legs and a halfway decent view of the Gulf Coast. Then we started attending occasional concerts. We take day trips in the Jeep and explore places we have never been. We started to sprinkle our own version of just because moments throughout the year and let me tell you something, it worked. We spent New Years Eve away, alone together. We took a trip to Vegas, just because, and it was fantastic.

We have had several conversations with Colby about the importance of just because time. Ultimately, he is the one who reaps the most benefits. We are better parents to him because we’ve taken the time for just because. We include him on plenty of activities and make sure we are meeting his needs in the process, and the guilt of spending time away from him ceases to exist. I saw a friend post this:

When we neglect to make time for just because moments, especially because we have parental guilt in doing so, we are doing more harm to our kids than helping them. My child knows he is fiercely loved. He knows that in his heart, he knows it by our words, he knows that by our actions and now he knows that by our occasional absence. We’ve explained our just because to him and he totally gets it. His deal is that we keep his kids one day so that he and his future wife can have just because moments too. It is a debt we will happily repay. He also told us, very lovingly, that he needs a break from us from time to time too, just because. I highly doubt it is because his grandparents spoil him when we are away. 

               If you aren’t already making just because stuff happen in your marriage, I highly recommend it. Hit up your parents. Find a babysitter you trust. Leave them with your neighbors. Make a way! Not all of our just because stuff is expensive. Find what just because works for you and your budget. Some of the best just because moments we have had were days we got lost on roads leading to who knows where, singing along to 80's music and just being together.
               You will probably see many more random trips from us in the future, so before anyone asks what we are celebrating, it’s probably just because.

Stick a fork in it

Isn't he adorable? This was the day we registered him for Kindergarten. I remember when the teacher brought him back to us after his testing, her eyes were as big as saucers and she said "He won't have any issues adjusting to big school!" His personality has always been big and it didn't take long before everyone in the school knew him by name. I never quite knew if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

We have made so many memories over the last seven years. Some of them were good, some of them we want to lock away in the past to never remember again, but all of them have molded him into the young man he is today. We've watched him make mistakes and learn from them. We've watched him set goals and accomplish them. We've watched his second language become sarcasm. We've watched him learn heartbreak and defeat. We've watched him rise above his situations. We've watched him struggle and not understand why. We've watched him make sweet friendships. We've watched him grieve things that would never be. We've watched him navigate how to just be himself. We've watched his determination help him accomplish great things. We've watched many prayers answered and some prayers change.

Over the years we have brushed off the comments about choosing to only have one kid. It isn't a decision we made lightly. There were many discussions, debates and prayers that went into this decision. The desire was there, but so were several other obstacles. I put it in God's hands and asked Him if it wasn't His will for us to have another child, that He would remove the desire from my heart. Remove it He did! Nothing cures baby fever quite like doing math homework with your child. We made such a sweet peace with deciding to have just one child and have funneled all of our time and attention into the one God blessed us with. With that said, when you only have one kid, every first is your last. Every first day of school is the last time I will experience it. Everything seems so final. There is a bittersweet sadness in that. I've been struggling the last few weeks, knowing his time in elementary school was coming to an end. For seven years now I have endured that dreaded chaotic morning drop off line and wished for the day that I didn't have to fight it anymore. Now that day has come and I am beside myself with grief. After today, I won't ever pull up to this school again and fight my way to the interstate. I won't watch him walk in the school, hugging teachers as he goes. It's brutal.

Today, I dropped him off for the very last time. Today, we will close a chapter of our lives and anticipate the next one. Today, I head to work with mascara running down my face while whispering a prayer to Jesus to help me get myself together.

Colby, if you ever happen to read this one day, I hope you never doubted how incredibly proud we are of you. We fail as parents each and every day, but because of God's grace and unfailing mercy, He has given us a fresh start each morning. I can't wait to see what wonderful things the future holds for you. You are and will always be the very best part of me.

The story of us...

Growing up as an only child was very lonely. Although I did command the complete attention of both my parents, I longed to have someone to share that attention with. It was the only thing I can recall praying for as a kid. I specified to God that not only did I want a sibling, but I wanted a sister. My mom's years were spent taking care of her mother after my grandfather passed away, and the timing just never seemed right for them to have another child. Once I became a teenager, I believe they just accepted things as they were and were going to choose to be content with just having me. A few months after my grandmother passed away, my mother became very sick. I remember her lying on the couch and napping a lot. One evening my dad asked me to sit down and told me he and my mom had something they needed to tell me. She was actually lying on the couch sick then. I just knew they were going to tell me something horrible was wrong with my mother, and she was dying. First, to break the ice, my dad told me we were moving. I remember throwing a fit and proclaiming I would just live with my mamaw and they could go wherever they saw fit. He then proceeded to tell me he was just joking and that actually I was going to be a big sister and mom's illness was just a case of "all the time" morning sickness. I was completely in shock but so very happy. She was what you would call a "whoopsy daisy," but I knew in my heart that I prayed for this child into the world. It was the first time I saw a prayer answered. She took her precious time getting here, but after my mom walked the entire hospital, ate fish, stood under the moon, and many other "home remedies" took place, she finally came into this world. I proudly wore a button the size of Texas on my shirt that said Big Sister. You cried a lot and spit up like something off of the exorcist, but you were cute as a button.

 Gotta love the perm, straight bangs, braces, and red lipstick. On a side note, Paige, I must really love you to post this picture of us. I gladly took on the new title of built-in babysitter, chaperone, finder of lost things, taxi driver, confidant, and ultimately best friend.

 I wasn't allowed to hold her in town for my mother's grave fear that people would think she was mine and a result of teenage pregnancy. She was all fun and games until she learned one very important word... "Why?"  It came in forms of "Why?" "Why Not?" and my favorite... "But why?" and then the fun was over. She quickly made a new imaginary friend named Joshua, and the rest of us were out of the picture.

 Then the day came when I left home, and she suddenly became the only child. I missed her very much. She would come to stay with us, and Jason would allow her to eat ice cream for breakfast. Soon our age difference suddenly took its toll, and the next few years were different.

Then this little guy entered our life, and everything changed!

You suddenly became the built-in babysitter, the taxi driver, and the finder of lost things. As I watched him grow, I watched you grow as well. Gone were the pigtails and imaginary friends, and overnight you became this beautiful young lady.

Then one day, without ever realizing it happened, our age difference disappeared, and in the blink of an eye, we became best friends.

I went from rocking you to sleep to borrowing your clothes. Our roles were reversed for a while, where you were the big sister and had to take care of me. You are beautiful inside and out. You stand up for what you believe in no matter who it offends. You love the unloved so deeply that it moves you to action. You are a princess, and wear that title proudly. God knew as a child when I prayed you into this world that I would need you one day.

Our story leads up to today. A chapter of your life is closing, and a huge new world awaits for you. As I have to embrace what is and let you go, a part of me feels as though a chapter in my life is closing as well. I pray that you will make lots of memories, make mistakes, learn from those mistakes, and find yourself one day so much stronger from them. Never get discouraged when you mess up. Those times are when you will find out who you are and how to handle trials in the future. There is always a purpose for each and every one of them. I pray you always remember that I am just a phone call away. I hope that you will still make time to have our sister dates. I challenge you to stand out and be different, to carry Jesus with you wherever you go, and allow others to see His love, grace, and mercy through you.  Although it may feel this way right now, I know that we will never grow apart because the story of us is perfect. I love you more than words can express. I am proud of all your accomplishments, and although those are wonderful, I am more proud of the young lady you have become. I look forward to watching you continue to amaze me in the future.

Love,

You Big Sister