Friday, May 17, 2019

Stick a fork in it

Isn't he adorable? This was the day we registered him for Kindergarten. I remember when the teacher brought him back to us after his testing, her eyes were as big as saucers and she said "He won't have any issues adjusting to big school!" His personality has always been big and it didn't take long before everyone in the school knew him by name. I never quite knew if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

We have made so many memories over the last seven years. Some of them were good, some of them we want to lock away in the past to never remember again, but all of them have molded him into the young man he is today. We've watched him make mistakes and learn from them. We've watched him set goals and accomplish them. We've watched his second language become sarcasm. We've watched him learn heartbreak and defeat. We've watched him rise above his situations. We've watched him struggle and not understand why. We've watched him make sweet friendships. We've watched him grieve things that would never be. We've watched him navigate how to just be himself. We've watched his determination help him accomplish great things. We've watched many prayers answered and some prayers change.

Over the years we have brushed off the comments about choosing to only have one kid. It isn't a decision we made lightly. There were many discussions, debates and prayers that went into this decision. The desire was there, but so were several other obstacles. I put it in God's hands and asked Him if it wasn't His will for us to have another child, that He would remove the desire from my heart. Remove it He did! Nothing cures baby fever quite like doing math homework with your child. We made such a sweet peace with deciding to have just one child and have funneled all of our time and attention into the one God blessed us with. With that said, when you only have one kid, every first is your last. Every first day of school is the last time I will experience it. Everything seems so final. There is a bittersweet sadness in that. I've been struggling the last few weeks, knowing his time in elementary school was coming to an end. For seven years now I have endured that dreaded chaotic morning drop off line and wished for the day that I didn't have to fight it anymore. Now that day has come and I am beside myself with grief. After today, I won't ever pull up to this school again and fight my way to the interstate. I won't watch him walk in the school, hugging teachers as he goes. It's brutal.

Today, I dropped him off for the very last time. Today, we will close a chapter of our lives and anticipate the next one. Today, I head to work with mascara running down my face while whispering a prayer to Jesus to help me get myself together.

Colby, if you ever happen to read this one day, I hope you never doubted how incredibly proud we are of you. We fail as parents each and every day, but because of God's grace and unfailing mercy, He has given us a fresh start each morning. I can't wait to see what wonderful things the future holds for you. You are and will always be the very best part of me.

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