The blubbering ball of goo

I'm an awkward person. It's my identifier. When someone starts to cry my first instinct is to crack a horrible (and usually inappropriate) joke just to make them stop. I do not handle crying well, my own included. A friend of mine came to me heavy burdened once, weeping and heartbroken. I knew I needed to comfort her, but All I could think to do in that moment was to google "what do you do when the weight of the world is on your shoulders?"  So I did. We laughed and decided a boat to Mexico and some margaritas would be an easy fix but maybe staying around and roughing it out would be the wisest choice. I may not be the best person for advice but I'm always good for a sarcastic comment and a fiercely love abounding hug. I say all that to say this: few things are sentimental enough to me that it causes me severe sadness. The kind of sadness that I don't push back to the outskirts of my brain because let's be honest, if we don't think about it, then it doesn't exist right?!? I must say the first day of school gets me EVERY SINGLE YEAR. Watching that kid walk into school by himself reminds me how fast time really moves and how precious it truly is. I have to turn my head everyday (after the first day of course) and not watch him walk in or I turn into this huge blubbering ball of goo. Some days, just to torture myself, I will sneak a peak in my side mirror thinking "You can handle this" just to realize "no you can't". I do the same thing when I watch Steel Magnolias when I know good and well that movie makes me ugly cry. When he starts a new chapter, I start a new chapter. Although it's fun and exciting, the reminder that you have to close the old one is gut wrenching. Today he has decided he is too old for me to walk him to his class. Maybe it's because he is my only child, but the realization that he is big enough that he doesn't need me to walk him in on his first day today has  made me physically ill. I wanted to park the car and pull a full on recon MacGyver kind of mission where I follow him with my camera and take pictures without him knowing and photoshop myself in the picture later. I will never walk my child into school again. I will never have a picture of him at his desk in his class on the 1st day of school again (unless I can bribe a teacher friend to go snap one for me). Chapter closed. Door shut. Insert any other metaphor you can think of..... Life is moving forward. Time is ticking and I can't slow it down. So yes, I'm heading to work today with mascara stains on my face, a heavy heart and a complete emotional ticking time bomb but I also know that there are fun and exciting things just around the corner. Every new year brings something new to discover, explore and try out. I now know why my mentors in life always told me to not wish my life away. I see now what I never saw in my youth. You do blink and suddenly you wonder where has the time gone. So to all you other moms who were blubbering balls of goo today too, you are not alone...... and I am sorry if this made you cry again....just go cry somewhere I can't see you okay?!?

That one time we made slime....

I've never done a "How To" blog, that's really not my scene, so today I'm gonna add my own "Real mom" step by step take on a semi-fun, really messy, wish they would have done it with grandma at her house craft that I just had to clean up.

The kid wants to make slime. He's been begging for months and I've been putting it off for months hoping he would forget about it. Now before you criticize me, I'm all about making memories with my kid but something about working with glue and food coloring has BAD IDEA written ALL over it. So what happened instead to change my mind you ask? My mother. That's what. He asked NANA to buy him the stuff to make it so she did and sent it home with ME. So here we are on a Saturday, the week AFTER VBS I might add, making slime. So here is a step by step guide on how to make this ooey gooey glob of nastiness. 

Step 1

Say a quick prayer over these items... lay hands if you must. 

Step 2

Pour 1/4 of a perfectly good jar of Elmers glue into a bowl that you don't ever care to use again. 

Step 3

Pour 1/4 cup of warm water into glue mixture. Side note: Make sure you feel the water first to make sure it's warm and not scalding hot before your kid throws the measuring cup across the room screaming that his hand is melting...

Step 4

Add food coloring of your choice. Don't ask me how many squirts, just wing it. 

Step 5

Add 3 heaping (that means overflowing to the point you have to stop and clean after this step because it looks like sugar exploded on your counter) tbsp of Borax. 

Step 6

Find a utensil you never want to use again to stir this nonsense up. I chose a skewer stick. At this point with the red we realized that it was in fact a fourth of a cup and not 1 1/4 of a cup of water so we had to start all over

Step 7

Make your kid pick up the mixture and knead it until, well, it turns into slime. You will hear a lot of "this is gross" and "can you please just do it" at this point and that's when you say "this was your idea kid!" 

Step I've lost count

You start ALL over with a new color 😫😫

Your almost done step

Spend 10 minutes washing their hands with baking soda because they will look like permanent skittles. 

Your almost done step

Put nastiness into individual zip lock bags and mash away! 

Step your done

Put slime in refrigerator below the Little Ceasers pizza that has been there for almost two weeks and let it sit there until it grows mold and you remember to throw it away because your kid has moved on to something new and forgot it was ever even in there until you actually DO throw it away and they have a melt down because "They weren't done playing with it" three months later. Did you read that huge long run on sentence in one breath?

✔️ memory made, documented and hopefully never to be repeated again. Now to think how to get my mother back. 

Why am I so domestically challenged?

My mother made Paige and myself a cookbook several years ago for Christmas that had to have taken her hours and hours to put together. It was by far the most thoughtful gift anyone has ever given me. It was full of all of her recipes that Paige and I request for her to make on holidays. Paige got the baking gift but it skipped directly over me. In the back of this precious book, my mother made a "Google Mom" page with all the ridiculous questions I call and ask her complete with thorough and sometimes sarcastic answers. Yes one of those does in fact read "How do you boil an egg?"

It isn't just her that I annoy either. I had to call my friend Brandy from Kroger one day because I had the genius idea to make cornbread for the first time, found a list of ingredients online, and couldn't find the first one in the store. I think I may have called her 5 times before I left the store. Flour comes in more than just the color white? This item pictured almost sent me into a full fledge 2 year old toddler meltdown. I couldn't find it anywhere and had walked all over it a million times.

Today from inside Dollar General, I had to ask my friend Jessica where the Baking Soda was because I couldn't find it either. I'm not even going to mention that I was looking for it beside the household cleaner because the only time I really recall using it was once when I had a grease fire on the stove and I somehow knew to throw Baking Soda on it.  I'm a special kind of special. You get the picture right.

My friend Ashley loves to tell me about these amazing dishes she cooks and I am tempted to look at her and say "Well let me tell you about this superb dish I cooked the other night that came straight from Hamburger Helper that was DIVINE!" Jason requests this gourmet dish at least once a week.

And this one....

So how did this amount of ignorance come from such a wonderful mother who's Chicken and Dumplings will put ANY of yours to shame? I live with a house full of picky eaters that's why! Their inability to eat anything that isn't a hamburger or cooked from a box has made me domestically challenged. One day I decided enough was enough and I decided it was time for a change. I tried 3 weeks of cooking from Pinterest and cookbooks, hence the cornbread fiasco. I broke out my crock pot, blew the dust off and put it to work. One night Jason walked in with a Dominoes Pizza because he had waved his white flag. Out of the 20 meals I cooked, only 4 were eaten by all three of us. They were the most basic 4 meals out of all the others. I cried defeat and went back to business as usual.

So Paige, moms legacy will fall upon your shoulders. I am glad Ross will eat pretty much anything you put in front of him. Count that as a blessing sweet sister. When we are old and you are cooking the holiday meals, know that I am good for the Rolls and Sweet Tea.

On a side note, my cornbread turned out awesome. It was the first and last time my iron skillet has ever been used.