I have been approached several times and been asked "so when are you going to write a book?" It is something I have toyed with the idea of before, but even spell check would have a tough time correcting my grammar mistakes. I have awoken suddenly many a night with an idea only to drift back off to sleep and forget the genius idea that had came to me. If I were to write a book though, it would be a book directed to the bride about to embark on the journey of being a WIFE. Although it is directed just to her, it really could apply to either party. Some friends and I were talking one day and realized that no one honestly sits you down and gives you the low down before you get married. Sure people jump on board to gush over your ring, advise you on where to honeymoon, help you pick your dress, tell you which caterer to use, and sign your cards Best Wishes!, but no one tells you that you are about to embark on the hardest journey of your life. Instead of a book, I opted to write a letter to those Brides to Be. Feel free to share it with someone you know about to take that plunge! I know there are going to be a few haters out there that will think due to my current marital status I don't have a valuable take on marriage. My answer to those few are, through every experience comes knowledge and sometimes life gives you a lemon in the process and regardless what life has dealt me, my experiences have dealt me a wealth of knowledge so go suck on my lemon!
Dear Bride,
Here you are! You have finally found your prince charming, the love of your life, your soul mate, your piece that completes you, your Romeo (although you do realize he dies at the end right), and last but certainly not least, the wind beneath your wings. First off let me say congratulations! I've been in your shoes. I was so madly deeply in love, I gave up on finishing college and entered marital bliss in full force. I couldn't wait to be a wife. Regardless of my sarcastic undertone and complete disregard for the love bubble that you currently reside in, I do have a fully firm rooted faith in marriage, love and commitment. I am truly happy for you. I am merely here to tell you the things I wish someone would have told me. It's not pretty so prepare yourself. I want you to clear your mind for a minute and imagine your fiance (had to add that in there since newly engaged people cant seem to say it enough) and I want you to concentrate on how much you love this man. Now I want you to imagine yourself slowly suffocating him with a pillow or gauging his eyeballs out with a spoon. What?!? No way!! I love him more than my own life, I could never imagine hurting him. We are different from other couples!!! Our love is stronger than anyone else. I guarantee within the first year of marriage, one of those two options will cross your mind at some point. It may be over something as juvenile as dirty laundry on the floor or him snoring, but yes at some point you will want to chunk Romeo over there off of a cliff. Only married people will understand this phrase, but you will learn what it means to love your spouse even when you hate them. So here are a few tips and pieces of advice I want to pass down to you before you take this step into till death do you part. Most are followed with a scripture I encourage you to look up. I also encourage you to have an open mind, exit your love bubble for a fraction of a minute I promise not to keep you out for long, and think seriously about forever, because marriage is indeed intended to be forever.
1) The very first and most important thing you need to embed in your beautiful brain dear sister right this very minute is this simple yet profound statement: YOU CAN NOT CHANGE A MAN. Many enter marriage knowing there are flaws there but for some God given reason we don't understand, we women think we can fix it. The fights and arguments you have now do not go away when that ring is placed and the paper is signed. They intensify sweet darling and you get a whole new set of problems. His parents have lived with him the majority of his life. I am sure they will hold nothing back on filling you in on his day to day true self. If you can't live for forever with the exact way he is right now, chances are you are in for a very disappointing future. Looks fade, charm is fleeting and the real everyday HIM is what awaits you. Make 100% sure you are in love with WHO he is and not the IDEA of who he is. If you are sure of that, congrats. You can move on to the next step.
2) Money will destroy your marriage quicker than an affair will. I can not stress this enough. There is an old saying that says marriage always consists of a spender and a saver. I have seen every equivalent of that equation and regardless if you have two spenders, two savers or two dreamers living on a prayer, money will test your marriage very quickly and very abrasively. Most pastors encourage marriage counseling before you tie the knot but most married people would also highly suggest financial counseling as well. That applies to the young lovebirds just getting out of school getting married as well as the independent middle aged person finding love later in life. Money is truly the root of all evil. Use it wisely. Luke 16:13, Hebrews 13:5
3) Contrary to popular belief, Marriage is not a circle. Marriage should always be a triangle. God should take His rightful seat at the top, and the two of you at the bottom on each side. Everything that flows through you and your marriage should flow from the top. Trust me you are going to need Him because life has a very funny way of throwing chaos, catastrophes, and calamity your way. If you build your relationship this way, you have a fighting chance when these things test your marriage. Matthew 7:24-27
4) Get out of your barbie doll dream house because marriage is not a fairy tale. You will have wants, dreams, desires and hopes that sadly will never come true. As harsh as that may sound my dear one, you must realize that marriage often times teaches us two very important things: humility and contentment. This is a realization you need to really allow to rock you to your core before saying I do. Its completely ok to continue to have those desires, but always realize that the needs of your family should always outweigh your wants. Failure to do so breeds an evil monster of resentment, greed, selfishness and very poor decisions. Philippians 4:11-13
5) Not only can you not change a man, but you also can not change who YOU are. If you are already having to do that sweet sister, you are in trouble. I am not talking about amending nasty habits or bettering yourself physically and spiritually, but having to change who God made you to be. Make sure your soon to be spouse knows all the desires of your heart and find a common ground before entering into marriage rather than finding these things out the hard way. I knew a woman who entered into a marriage knowing her husband didn't want children. Like I stated before, she willingly entered that marriage thinking she could change his mind. To no ones surprise but her own, she has never been able to have a child and harbors a terrible resentment towards her husband for robbing her of the opportunity to be a mother. Most people would look at her husband and say shame on him for doing that to her. The brutal truth is she knew this going in but inside her love bubble she couldn't see past her deep love for this man. Get your hopes and dreams in check sister. Decide before you make that commitment what you can and what you cant live without. Even if it is ceramic tile or hardwood floors, discuss it! Hebrews 13:5-6
6) Scripture commands us to be submissive, not to be a doormat. If your already being trampled on, chances are that will get worse. Marriage is 50 - 50. Make sure you are giving your share, but also be sure you are receiving yours as well. When you carry your load as well as someone elses you will tire out very easily.
(7) His family is his family. Short and simple. You can't change it. Don't try.
8) I will end with this one: Enter your marriage meaning your vows, every single word of them. I don't think anyone would ever admit that there is one vow that they didn't take seriously, but if everyone entered into marriage with this frame of mind, divorce would not exist. Although they would never admit it, some people these days approach marriage as "well if it doesn't work out then we can always divorce." This should not be dear sister. And although I know you are sitting there agreeing with me, when the going gets tough, and trust me it will, you will have to look at that man and say I made a promise to you and I intend to see it through. Unfortunately we don't always get this one in return. I pray this never happens to you. It isn't a fun place to be. Nevertheless, as long as you approach it with this attitude, you will have fulfilled God's will for your marriage.
My prayer for you is that admist the trials marriage throws your way, you will have lots of laughter, make a ton of memories, and marry your best friend. Oh and by the way, Best Wishes!
