Just as I am

It's a hymn most all of us know by heart. It is a hymn that most of us sing methodically without any thought to the words because we have sang it for so long. As I awoke with this song in my head this morning for some unknown reason, I actually started to ponder the words and felt so ashamed at how many times I had just sang along and not realized their meaning.


Just as I am without one plea, but that thou blood was shed for me, and that thou bidst me come to thee.....


Without one plea, without one request, with all my guilt, with no petitions, God shed His precious blood, just for me. And then knowing me, all my rottenness, wickedness, sin and baggage,He still Bidst me come to Him. I am unworthy.


Just as I am, and waiting not to rid my soul of one dark blot, to thee whose blood can cleanse each spot.....


Every single solitary spot, the ones you barely see to the ones that follow us forever, His blood covers them all. Why do we wait so long to run to the arms of the one who, with simply asking, can take it all away? Why carry the burden of our sin in our soul to the point we become hardened, uncaring, numb or indifferent. Why allow shame over our sin keep us from bringing it to His throne, laying it at His feet and leaving it there. May I never wait to rid my soul again.


Just as I am though tossed about with many a conflict, many a doubt, fightings and fears within, without.....


Tossed about is one of the most spot on references to the way I feel sometimes. Conflicted with life changing decisions, conflicted with insecurities, conflicted with being a good mother, good wife, good daughter, good co worker, or just a good person. Doubting myself each and every day whether I am doing the right thing, beating myself up when I know I didn't, fearing the known as well as the unknown, completely and utterly tossed about. Still you lovingly look down on me and shelter me, Just as I am.


Just as I am poor, wretched, blind; sight, riches, healing of the mind, yea all I need in thee to find.....


Oh how I have felt all three of these things, usually all at the same time. Whether I am poor in finances or poor in spirit, how richly have I been blessed. I deserve not one thing that I have been given, but I have never went without. Sure, I have had to sacrifice, but He has always taken care of me, even when I didn't bother to acknowledge that He did. Wretched is a deep place I have found myself several times in my life. I have been lying face down on the bare floor, tear stained carpet beneath, begging God for healing of the mind. Begging for peace. Pleading for comfort and mercy. Without hesitation, He listened, He answered, He delivered. Whether you look at blind as physical or emotional, the sight  He gives is the only kind that truly heals. Sometimes we walk around this world, so blind, close minded, completely oblivious to our sin and the world around us. Indeed all we need is found in Him.


Just as I am, thou wilt receive, wilt welcome, pardon, cleanse, relieve, because thy promise I believe....


This verse is the one that is the most humbling. You accept me, WELCOME me,  just as I am, all of me, the good, the bad, the horrible, the unhealthy, the ashamed and the broken. You don't ask questions, you don't make me jump through hoops, you simply cleanse me just from me asking you too. You allow me a pardon that I do not deserve. You sent your son to bleed and die so that I may have this forgiveness that not one ounce of me deserves. You take away the shame, relieve my burdens, allow me to hold my head high and know that I am forgiven, because Your word says so. Your promise is true and I am so thankful that You could love someone as undeserving as me.




Just as I am, thy love unknown hath broken every barrier down; now, to be thine, yea thine alone....


I will never understand the love that you so freely give. It is a love that breaks down barriers. You can love the most pios person to the most wretched criminal. You sent Your son to die for all of us, not just a select few. A love that has no start and no end. A love that, no matter what I do, I can't outrun or outgrow. A love with no expiration date or limitations. A love so undeserving that I can't wrap my head around it.


My prayer is that I, nor you, ever sing this song the same again. Thank you God for opening my eyes today to a new understanding of something so familiar.




O Lamb of God, I come, I come.....

Can't we all just get along?!?

I've pondered writing this blog several times and each time I've decided that it would probably be best left in the far corners of my mind. I don't know if it's the narcotic strength cough syrup I've been chugging all week or what, but I'm going to be brave tonight and go for it.

I've learned in life, if you don't want to pick a fight with people, don't write about religion, politics or football. Well I'm choosing to step off into the last one. I hope your still my friend in the end.  

I love watching football. Since Colby has gotten older, we watch more football games than cartoons and I'm just fine with that. I'm not the girl who has a ton of  facebook posts on game day (unless it is a cute picture of me actually at a game) and I'm not the girl who plans her whole day around what time the game comes on. I can't tell you names of players or any stats they may have. I remember numbers and what their hair looks like coming out of their helmet. I analyze their uniforms and think I could have designed them so much better. 

On a side note, anyone else think the Steelers look like a bunch of bumblebees this year?!? Anywho....

Things this southern belle just doesn't get about one of the Souths most treasured sports: 

1- Oh how your gonna hate me for this one. I don't understand why if you were born in Mississippi, raised in Mississippi, attended college (or didn't at all) in Mississippi, cheer for a team that is NOT from your home state. It blows my mind. We have a ton of great schools in our state, that by the way are doing a great job this year, that you could cheer on. What happened to taking pride in where you live? Mississippi already gets a bad wrap on education, obesity, welfare and unemployment....one of the good things we have going for us is we breed some AWESOME football players. My child has a fascination for LSU. Why? Because he likes the color purple and because his best friend told him too. This I can understand. Adults, not so much. But I will give you this one. Say you just like that other states team. In the words of Taylor Swift, Why ya gotta be so mean? When your team plays a team that represents the state you actually live in, can't we all just get along?!? I know Mississippi folks are just as bad at this. 

2- Ok so say you root for a Mississippi team. Problem is they are playing another team from our great state. The way I see it, whether your team won or lost, Mississippi had a good day. I imagine the day of the Egg Bowl there will be some serious FB trash talking going on. Can't we all just get along, root for your team but be a gracious winner/loser in the end? No need for all the trash talking. What is generally entertaining for me to watch is all the PRE game trash talking that goes on, then the violently loud crickets you hear when your team didn't win. 

3- Whether your attending a game or watching from the comfort of your couch, why is it necessary to hollar instructions to the coach or players? Newsflash, they can't hear you. When I attend USM games, the guy behind me has something to say about EVERY play. It's like he thinks there is a guy on the sidelines with a clipboard taking all his "notes and criticism" and relaying it to the coach. He will even follow up his rant sometimes with "I told you that wasn't gonna work coach". Makes me think of Van Wilder saying, let me write that down. 

4- Why does football bring out the worst potty mouths in people? Guy from point #3 likes to use colorful words when dictating his notes to the coach. Colby loves to turn around, give him the stink eye and say He needs him some Jesus. Your kids are watching you. Other people's kids are watching you.  Show them how to be angry without sinning. Jesus threw a table over once, but he had a very good reason too. I don't think a fumble or loss of yardage warrants a bunch of @!^#~¥^ nonsense. 

5- Why is everything related to football so expensive, from the mere ticket to get in the game, to the $3 bag of .50 M&M's, to the $70 KIDS jersey!?! It's expensive to be a fan of football, much less a die hard fan. We entertained the idea of going to the Egg Bowl until I went to buy tickets. I could take my family to the Bahamas for a week for what it would cost us to sit in the freezing weather to watch that game. Give me a beach chair please! 

So I've offended 95% of you by now I'm sure, but I had to get that one off my chest. I'm not a bandwagon fan, just merely a fan of whoever is left that is closest to home. I will yell Hotty Toddy, Hail State, To the Top all day long. I want to teach Colby to take pride in where he is from and to never be ashamed of being from Mississippi. I may be fighting a losing battle, and I must say I do look good in purple too, but I just want to see the severe hate dialed down a notch..... Or ten. 

The Cheerleader and the Drama Queen

So my friend Faith's baby turns 1 year old today! My friend Shae and I were honored to be asked to be in the room when little Aiden made his appearance. As I realized how close to a year it has been, I asked myself "Why haven't I wrote a blog about that experience yet?" Then I realized its because it has taken me almost a year to get over it! You will notice through reading this that Shae and I assumed two completely different roles during this blessedly horrible life changing amazing torturous event; the motivator and the pushover. I will let you figure out which one of us is which: 

Let me set this up for you:

I was ecstatic when Faith told me she was pregnant. I knew how badly they both wanted this child and was so happy their prayer had been answered. Then one day while doing my daily facebook scroll, I saw that she had "liked" a page about natural birth. I thought to myself, surely she hit the wrong button. So at lunch one day I asked "whats up with you liking natural birth facebook pages?" Granted she already has had two kids, one of which I was in the delivery room for and promptly left because I witnessed her slap the BeGeezus out of a poor girl and I knew then and there that I would never give birth if I stayed any longer. So surely she has enough sense to get the drugs right!?! Of course not. Now I will say she is by far the smartest person I know so when she said she had opted to take the natural route, I knew she had thoroughly researched it and knew what she was doing. I still thought she was nuts, but to each their own.

I was teaching my Sunday School Class one Sunday morning when I got "the text" I had been waiting on.... MY WATER JUST BROKE! My immediate response was alright let me teach this class, run home and change and get on the road. Then she said well we are going to wait it out at home as long as we can. So time ticked by, lunch came and went, and I was very impatiently waiting for her to say ok lets head the hospital. Finally around 5 that evening she finally agreed to head on to the hospital. I was sitting on GO! Surely its been this long since her water broke, this should go by quickly right!?! Oh how wrong I was. Shae and I got there at the same time and were so excited to experience this together.

It started out really slow. She pretty much laid in the bed and would have a contraction every once in while but nothing too bad. Shae and I sat on the couch watching "what does the fox say" ding ding ding ding ding ding ding and Justin Timberlakes  #hashtag skit from Jimmy Fallon on you tube. DDEEBBBRRRAAAAA We got a huge case of the giggles which I am sure sent Faith into overdrive. Then we hot glued diamonds on some tiaras for Maelyn's Birthday party. This birth party needed to hurry up and kick into gear!

Then the contractions started to get worse. We moved her to this huge yoga ball where she rocked back and forth for a little while. In all honesty, the curiosity in me almost got the better of me and made her get off the ball so that I could get on and play on it too.

 We then watched a movie. Yes a whole movie. Surely after watching A WHOLE MOVIE she would have dilated at least a few cm right.... of course not! By this point she was not only in pain, but homegirl was getting PISSED. We had tennis balls for her back, lotion for her feet and legs, anything to help relax her. She was getting the royal treatment of natural births ok. We all took a station and got to rubbing!

We exited the ball and moved her to the recliner after her contractions started to really get bad. We each found a new position and kept on massaging. Any sarcasm and humor she had at this point went out the window. Then stuff got real, real fast. It was time to move to the bed. At this point in time, my friend exited her own body, and this horrid demon came and possessed it.  I had one job, keep a damp washcloth on her forehead and hold her hand. This became quite difficult when she started levitating off the bed in hysterics everytime she had a contraction. I eventually started pulling the wash cloth away during the contractions to allow her more freedom to "move."

We were sad when midnight came and we knew we weren't seeing a baby anytime soon.

 During this time the nurse came in to check her progress. When she announced that she was still sitting still at 5 cm I thought someone was about to die. I made sure all sharp objects were out of reach and that I was holding her hand so that she couldn't slap someone. I hated seeing her in this kind of pain. I then thought it would be a good idea to have a little pep talk with this baby. I gave him some encouraging but stern words to hurry his rump up before his mom caused someone bodily harm and his favorite aunt had a nervous breakdown. Then suddenly the nurse started bringing in all the equipment. We all looked at each other, very confused because she was still at 5 cm. At this rate we were gonna be here another 48 hours! She checked her again, and AGAIN she was at 5 cm, but she assured us it was about to happen.


The next little bit was a tad blurry. At this point Faith came to her senses induced by her body ripping from the inside out and started pleading, begging, crying out for the epidural claiming she just didn't have it in her to finish naturally. She was exhausted, and the pain was only getting worse. Shae was her biggest cheerleader. She was holding her hand, telling her over and over again, "this is what you wanted, you can do this, you've got this, your doing great!" At this point I have excused myself to go cry in the corner and am working out a crazed induced Nancy Drew kind of plan to somehow get her the drugs. The nurse ever so politely tells her that she has progressed too far to have an epidural and my poor friend comes undone. My heart is breaking for her. I wanted to shout as loud as I could to someone to just give her the blasted epidural, knock her out, anything but watch her suffer like this. Shae remained her rock and her comforter and shot me a look that said suck it up Amanda and get with the program! I became a blubbery mess holding her hand. Her poor husband felt helpless and I think was a tad relieved to have us there to help him. He would kiss her on the forehead and tell her how much he loved her and I was slightly afraid for his life for getting that close to her after what I had already experienced. Her mom stayed at her feet, like a smart woman,  giving her an encouraging word and trying to make her laugh.


Suddenly she went from 5 cm to 8cm and instantly started pushing. I looked around and realized, um, there is no doctor in here. Then his little head was out, um....hello there is still no doctor in here!!!! The nurse stepped up like a BOSS! A few good pushes, profanities, and bone curling screams later, he was here. A few minutes later, the doctor walked in and realized there wasn't much left for her to actually do.

After we all oo'd and ahh'd over this precious life that had just caused so much upheaval, I looked at my friend and told her how beyond proud I was of her and how in awe I was that she pushed through that. Her loving response to me was, "I just couldn't figure out why you were taking the wet rag off my head during the contractions when I needed it the most!?!" I didn't bother to tell her then it was hard to chase a head that was spinning like something out of the exorcist!

Notice the time on that clock and do the math in your head.

Happy Birthday baby boy! You are blessed with two parents who love you very much and two Aunts who witnessed what your mother went through for you and have no problem grabbing you by the hair of your head and having an impromptu come to Jesus meeting with you at any given point in your life that you cause her grief!   

Love Aunt Man Man and Aunt Shae

Nails on a chalkboard

Do you remember when your child was a baby and you just could not wait for the moment they could say their first words? Then one day you found yourself imagining some sort of bionic earplugs? That's where I've been lately. I might need to put a disclaimer on my blog just to make sure everyone knows that I am madly deeply head over heels in love with my child but as any parent knows raising them is the hardest job you will ever have. Every season of their life comes with a different obstacle and it seems as if once you move past that one you get a whole new one to deal with. I am currently residing in the I am almost 8 years old so I know far more than you do syndrome that comes with the complete package of sarcasm, smart mouth, and the all too often eye roll. Here are five of his favorite phrases that he is currently using that are currently the equivalent of fingers on the chalkboard for me:

1- "who cares, I don't care". Yes that is all one fluent sentence. He is asking and answering a question all in one statement. 

Example: Colby if you do not brush your teeth they are going to rot out of your mouth!

"Who cares, I don't care"

Colby put your seatbelt on. You would not want mommy to have a wreck and you go through the windshield would you?

"Who cares, I don't care"

2- "It's my life, my rules". This one makes me want to, very lovingly, pinch his head straight off his shoulders. 

Ex: Colby you cannot eat pancakes on the couch

"It's my life, my rules"

Colby you cannot wear that, it doesn't match

"It's my life, my rules"

3- "ewwwwww you just got burned". I thought surely this phrase died in 1998. Apparently not being that it is his favorite thing to say these days. It also has a "cute" little hand motion that goes with it. The funny part about this one is he barely says it at a time when it actually applies. 

Ex: I catch a red light in the morning when we are already running late.

"Ewwwww mom you just got burned!"

I spill something, drop something, do anything that follows with an "oh crap"...Yes I say crap around my kid. I'm convicted of it every time, but it is better than other choice words. Just give me this one okay...

"Ewwwww mom you just got burned" 

4- "right now". It is my honor to provide for my child. He is a true gift and treasure from God, but when he tags the phrase "right now" to the end of a question it makes my horns spike right out of my head!

Ex: Mom can you bring me my chocolate milk,remote, plate, iPod,  red motorcycle with the white number plate with the blue guy with the yellow helmet "right now". 

"Mom can you come here." Five seconds later "mama I said can you come here…… " Five seconds after that "mom I said come here right now"

5- "you're the worst mom ever". I would love to admit that this one doesn't hurt my feelings because I know he loves me very much but it does poke at my heartstrings. Like every other man figures out in his lifetime, He knows exactly what to say to hurt my feelings and this is it. The decent thing about my child is even though it may take an hour for regret to set in, I generally do get an apology for this phrase. 

Ex: Colby I understand that you want to go to _______ house, but you can't go unless you're invited. You can't just show up to _____ house uninvited. 

"Your the worst mom ever"

Colby for the 10th time I said no candy at the checkout line!

"Your the worst mom ever" 

I tried a new tactic today that made him change his tune. As I was folding clothes earlier a song was on TV and I was doing myself a little happy dance folding my clothes. He was totally embarrassed and was pleading with me to stop. I then responded to him and said how embarrassed would you be if mommy did that dance in front of all of your friends? His jaw immediately dropped and he said you would never do that to me. With a simple smile I looked at him and said if you ever tell me I'm the worst mommy ever again I can promise you that every last one of your friends will see your mommy do that dance....repeatedly.....with hand motions and singing. Hopefully the idea of that mortified him enough that we can keep that last one at bay for a little while. 

When sleeping alone just won't do...

I gripe about my kid. A lot. Generally with good reason. Like last night when he decided it would be a FABULOUS idea to disappear at the sports plex with a few friends and come back soaking wet covered in mud literally from head to toe from venturing into the creek fishing for crawfish. Cue the audible sigh and eye roll. After I calmed down, HOURS later, I realized he was just being a boy. A disobedient boy none the less, but his adventurous, energetic usual self. And he had a messy yet great time making that memory. I can laugh about it today.

Tonight he asked to go to bed rather early for a weekend night. He hadn't acted like his usual self tonight. He was quiet, reserved and seemed to be pondering a lot. I put him a movie in and proceeded to my room to read a book. After hearing him toss and turn for an hour and a half, I heard his footsteps heading my way. He climbed in my bed, turned his back to me, demanded one word "snuggle" and said and sing me my song. I'm such a music junkie. I heard a Richard Marx song long before I ever met Jason and told myself if I ever have a child that will be our song. I sang it to him every night that I rocked him to sleep. The older he got, the fewer times I was allowed to rock him. There have only been a few times in the last few years that he has asked for it. So I quickly obliged and before I made it to the last verse he was snoring. I guess that's all he needed tonight to finally drift off to sleep. That's either a compliment to my awesome mothering skills or a complete disregard to my singing skills. Either way it did the trick. I decided to document it tonight because it's been one of those days that I needed to be reminded how much he needs me. One day when he really understands the words to this song, he will realize how much in reality I needed him.



I was never alive
'Til the day I was blessed with you.
When I hold you late at night,
I know what I was put here to do.
I turn off the world and listen to you sigh,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

Know I'm forever near,
The one you can always call.
Right now all you know to fear
Are the shadows on your wall.
I'm here close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
And I will sing my Angel's Lullaby.

So tell me how to stop the years from racing.
Is there a secret someone knows?
I'll never catch all the memories I'm chasing.
I'll never be ready to let go.

And when the world seems cold,
And you feel that all of your strength is gone,
There may be one tiny voice,
Your reason to carry on,
And when I'm not close enough
To kiss the tears you cry,
You will sing your Angel's Lullaby.
Let this be our Angel's Lullaby.

And I thought Santa would be hard...

What started out as an ordinary day has ended in my household with a life-changing event. Colby loves television and movies, it's his vice so to speak. After watching something he will occasionally ask me "Mom did that really happen?" I thought I had given him a very thorough answer but apparently I had failed miserably at explaining to him that television is not real!

Tonight I had the Oscars on, not because I generally like to watch them (because half the movies I have never even heard of and the other half I don't really care about) but because Idina Menzel is performing "Let it Go" from Frozen. Colby and I have seen it four times. I'm a tad obsessed. Anyways, about half the way into the show, out walked Sally Field. Colby said "Mom look it's Forrest Gump's mom!!!" I said actually baby her name is Sally Field. "No mom, that's his mom, her last name is Gump!" This went back and forth for entirely too long. He kept asking was Forrest there as well. Finally I gave him the best explanation I could that this indeed was Sally Field. This realization had him full of questions and speechless at the same time. Was Sam and Cat not really real? Kevin didn't really get left by his parents twice at Christmas in Home Alone? I have often dreaded the day of telling Colby that Santa Claus is not real, but this I think was harder than that will be when the time comes.

So a little 7 year old boy has went to bed contemplating the world as he knew it and embracing the fact that Forrest Gump indeed is actually Tom Hanks and sadly enough his mom is not Sally Field.


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Paying it forward

It's funny how God works sometimes. I could recount so many instances where He showed up through other peoples generosity right when I needed it.

A few weeks ago in a training union study, the author asked "what is something you look forward to doing one day when your priorities change?" Some people suggested they would love to travel and others had different things that they would love to do with their life. I looked at my page at what I had wrote and although it was extremely superficial, the one thing I looked forward too one day when I could make the time and have the money for myself was just simply to get my nails done. Nothing extravagant but it was something I used to do for myself that I no longer could. Our teacher (whom I adore more than she will ever know) suggested that one of the best things that you could do when you're feeling overwhelmed and depressed was to do something really nice for someone else.

The following week was one of the worst ones I have had in a very long time. I spent eight hours a day getting cursed, yelled and screamed at by people that I don't even know because apparently I, single-handedly, went into every single home in Jones county and the surrounding counties and caused everyone's power bill to go up. Then I came home to a child who I love more than my own life but spent the next few hours battling with him on every single thing we did. Then in the moments in between, I desperately missed my husband. The struggle was real folks. One day after getting the mail, putting it in my lap and putting my car in park I proceeded to have the world's biggest meltdown in my carport. I allowed all of the world's attacks and negativity to overwhelm me in that moment. Years ago I read a book that stated in any moment when you feel like you have lost control, all you need to do is whisper the name of Jesus. I Immediately began to say His name over and over and over until I had completely calmed myself. There really is power in the name of Jesus. I then looked in my lap at the mail and on the very top was a card addressed to me that simply stated " I hope this brings a smile to your face. Love your sister in Christ". When I opened it there sat a gift certificate for me to have my nails done. A small gesture on someone else's part was able to actually bring a smile to my face and in a moment where I felt like I was losing everything it reminded me of God's love and compassion, and renewed, refreshed and restored my faith in people. Although I would love nothing more than to thank the person who actually did this for me, I know that they would rather stay anonymous. So this is my thank you. God knew in that moment I would need to know I wasn't invisible. He saw me. He heard my cry. He knew my struggle. He loved me. He had not forgotten me.

Although it wasn't much, I was able to pay it forward for someone else today. It lifted my spirits in a way I'm sure it did for whomever did it for me. I encourage you to seek someone you can minister too and bless today. We are Gods hands and feet. I will forever be grateful for the one who chose to bless me.










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