One thing I have learned over the years is that everyone deals with things in their own way. What you might find peculiar may be completely normal for me. Some things I tend to take head on and others I push to the far corners of my mind and pretend they didn't happen.
I have to admit I know nothing, and I mean nothing about the Sandy Hook Shootings. It's not that I am insensitive to it, my heart just physically feels like it can't take it. I felt like a kid who wanted to close my eyes and cover my ears and sing as loud as I could when someone started talking about it. I watched zero news coverage, I quickly scrolled through Facebook newsfeed flooded with pictures of babies, MY babies age smiling, and would excuse myself out of a room if it came up. I pushed it as far back in the corner of my brain as it would possibly go.
Today I came home and like any other day I asked Colby how his day was. He preceded to give me the highlights ( recess and who got in the most trouble) and then he said "mom we are doing some drills at school". I said like a fire drill? He said yes mam and the one where the earth shakes and the one where a tornado comes to eat your house. As I was asking him what each drill entailed he said " oh yea we also have a lockdown drill. I know what to do momma if a bad person wants to hurt me. I go and get in my cubby. We were told to be quiet but I just think ill sit there and talk to Jesus". I had to completely leave the room. I finally let it all in, months after the fact. All those babies. The teachers. Complete irrational nonsense. After gaining my composure I walked back into the living room, put my baby in my lap and let him sit there as long as he wanted. I'm so proud that his thought process instantly went to calling on our Lord Jesus Christ in times of trouble. All those moments of feeling failure as a parent subsided because I had managed to teach him the one thing that matters most in this life. My prayer is that he will never forget it.
My heart aches in a special way tonight. A grief I finally allowed myself to feel. To mourn people I never knew. I pray I never know their families sorrow.
Sweet Jesus,
Thank you for loving EVEN me. Thank you that at the sheer whisper of your name I instantly find peace and rest.
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