Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Dear mom, I see you

Hey there mom, I see you. I see you struggling. I see you wondering what you did wrong. I see you pondering karma and wondering what you are being punished for. I see you googling "How to make my defiant kid behave." I see you in the store wiping your child's tears while fighting off your own. I see your heart break every time you pick your child up and see the look in the eyes of the one who has kept them, thankful that you are finally there. I see you desperately wanting others to love your child like you do. I see the anger and resentment you carry when hearing others say "They must not get good parenting at home."  I see you relish in every achievement, every milestone, every hurdle accomplished because no matter how small to others, you know the pain sweat and tears it took to get there. I see the extreme guilt you carry for sometimes asking God for a do over, a trade, anything but what your dealing with. I see your embarrassment when your child has harmed another. I see the silent tears you shed that no one else sees.  I see you watch them sleep and feel relief for a moments peace. I see you being humbled by seeing someone lose a child and knowing you shouldn't complain about yours so much. I see you completely lose it on your child after mentally having all you could take only to wrap them in your arms pleading for forgiveness and reassuring them of your unconditional love for them. I've seen you allow envy and bitterness take root in your life because it hasn't turned out like you thought it would. 

I see you because I am you. I've walked in your shoes. I felt every single one of these emotions, some all in one day. I've allowed others to belittle me, making me feel as though somewhere I've failed as a parent, just because my child behaves and reacts differently from theirs. I've had to sit outside the daycare and take several deep breaths before entering the building because I know I'm about to hear of all the horrible things they did that day. I've seen how each one of those moments can rip a little piece of you away each time you endure it. I've been the mom who left a buggy full of groceries in the middle of the aisle, dragging a screaming child while shedding tears of my own. I've been on my knees asking, begging God for patience, wisdom and a divine intervention. I have grabbed my child out of bed and held him and thanked God for him, warts and all, after hearing of a mother who has lost hers. I have compared my child to others and wished so hard that he could share some of their traits. 

Many times I've asked God why did he trust me this much. Why did he think I could do this. What did I do that requires so much learning through hardships. What I have learned is that God sees me through completely different eyes than I see myself. God sees the love inside my heart and he knew that although I might fail a million times, I would never give up. He knew that although I might feel completely defeated, I would find that extra amount of strength to get through the day. He knew that I would be able to handle this, even though sometimes I might lose my dignity in the process. He knew that I could love the child he gave me far better than any other person could. My child has taught me more about myself in his 8 short years than I learned in the 25 before. I have an edge over some of the other moms that I know. I know how to not sweat the small stuff. I know how to choose my battles and sometimes it's ok to let them wear what they want even if I cringe at the outfit that doesn't match. I've been able to find wonderful things about my child that I see other moms take for granted. I've learned to simply talk to Jesus when I feel like I can't take another step. I've learned to fall on my face and ask for forgiveness for when I mess up and realize tomorrow is another day. I've learned to not look at my situation as a burden but to start being thankful for the blessing. Most importantly I've raised a child who's heart is kind, loving, repentful, and full who loves me far more than I deserve. Regardless of his actions, I rest in that, knowing that he is a wonderful child and I'm so lucky that he calls ME mom. So mom, I see you. You are not alone. I see you and smile to myself because I feel an intimate connection to you even though you don't even know I'm there. I see you because I am you, and sister, we are gonna make it. I promise. 


Side note: Just fyi to make it clear I do not write this stuff to belittle my child. I write to reach out to other moms like me who know what it's like to raise a child that doesn't always behave the way we wish they would. I saw a post earlier in the week of a mother complaining about how her child was bit at school. The comments left on that post completely broke my heart because two parents were completely bashed on their parenting skills and no one even knew who they were. No one knew what they dealt with at home. No one knew the struggle that they probably try to overcome Each and every day. No one wanted to realize the love in their heart they had for their child. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love my child and one day I think he will be thankful to have had a mom who loved him so much that she never once gave up on him.