Tuesday, September 30, 2014

The Cheerleader and the Drama Queen





So my friend Faith's baby turns 1 year old today! My friend Shae and I were honored to be asked to be in the room when little Aiden made his appearance. As I realized how close to a year it has been, I asked myself "Why haven't I wrote a blog about that experience yet?" Then I realized its because it has taken me almost a year to get over it! You will notice through reading this that Shae and I assumed two completely different roles during this blessedly horrible life changing amazing torturous event; the motivator and the pushover. I will let you figure out which one of us is which: 

Let me set this up for you:

I was ecstatic when Faith told me she was pregnant. I knew how badly they both wanted this child and was so happy their prayer had been answered. Then one day while doing my daily facebook scroll, I saw that she had "liked" a page about natural birth. I thought to myself, surely she hit the wrong button. So at lunch one day I asked "whats up with you liking natural birth facebook pages?" Granted she already has had two kids, one of which I was in the delivery room for and promptly left because I witnessed her slap the BeGeezus out of a poor girl and I knew then and there that I would never give birth if I stayed any longer. So surely she has enough sense to get the drugs right!?! Of course not. Now I will say she is by far the smartest person I know so when she said she had opted to take the natural route, I knew she had thoroughly researched it and knew what she was doing. I still thought she was nuts, but to each their own.

I was teaching my Sunday School Class one Sunday morning when I got "the text" I had been waiting on.... MY WATER JUST BROKE! My immediate response was alright let me teach this class, run home and change and get on the road. Then she said well we are going to wait it out at home as long as we can. So time ticked by, lunch came and went, and I was very impatiently waiting for her to say ok lets head the hospital. Finally around 5 that evening she finally agreed to head on to the hospital. I was sitting on GO! Surely its been this long since her water broke, this should go by quickly right!?! Oh how wrong I was. Shae and I got there at the same time and were so excited to experience this together.




It started out really slow. She pretty much laid in the bed and would have a contraction every once in while but nothing too bad. Shae and I sat on the couch watching "what does the fox say" ding ding ding ding ding ding ding and Justin Timberlakes  #hashtag skit from Jimmy Fallon on you tube. DDEEBBBRRRAAAAA We got a huge case of the giggles which I am sure sent Faith into overdrive. Then we hot glued diamonds on some tiaras for Maelyn's Birthday party. This birth party needed to hurry up and kick into gear!






Then the contractions started to get worse. We moved her to this huge yoga ball where she rocked back and forth for a little while. In all honesty, the curiosity in me almost got the better of me and made her get off the ball so that I could get on and play on it too.






 We then watched a movie. Yes a whole movie. Surely after watching A WHOLE MOVIE she would have dilated at least a few cm right.... of course not! By this point she was not only in pain, but homegirl was getting PISSED. We had tennis balls for her back, lotion for her feet and legs, anything to help relax her. She was getting the royal treatment of natural births ok. We all took a station and got to rubbing!




We exited the ball and moved her to the recliner after her contractions started to really get bad. We each found a new position and kept on massaging. Any sarcasm and humor she had at this point went out the window. Then stuff got real, real fast. It was time to move to the bed. At this point in time, my friend exited her own body, and this horrid demon came and possessed it.  I had one job, keep a damp washcloth on her forehead and hold her hand. This became quite difficult when she started levitating off the bed in hysterics everytime she had a contraction. I eventually started pulling the wash cloth away during the contractions to allow her more freedom to "move."

We were sad when midnight came and we knew we weren't seeing a baby anytime soon.



 During this time the nurse came in to check her progress. When she announced that she was still sitting still at 5 cm I thought someone was about to die. I made sure all sharp objects were out of reach and that I was holding her hand so that she couldn't slap someone. I hated seeing her in this kind of pain. I then thought it would be a good idea to have a little pep talk with this baby. I gave him some encouraging but stern words to hurry his rump up before his mom caused someone bodily harm and his favorite aunt had a nervous breakdown. Then suddenly the nurse started bringing in all the equipment. We all looked at each other, very confused because she was still at 5 cm. At this rate we were gonna be here another 48 hours! She checked her again, and AGAIN she was at 5 cm, but she assured us it was about to happen.


The next little bit was a tad blurry. At this point Faith came to her senses induced by her body ripping from the inside out and started pleading, begging, crying out for the epidural claiming she just didn't have it in her to finish naturally. She was exhausted, and the pain was only getting worse. Shae was her biggest cheerleader. She was holding her hand, telling her over and over again, "this is what you wanted, you can do this, you've got this, your doing great!" At this point I have excused myself to go cry in the corner and am working out a crazed induced Nancy Drew kind of plan to somehow get her the drugs. The nurse ever so politely tells her that she has progressed too far to have an epidural and my poor friend comes undone. My heart is breaking for her. I wanted to shout as loud as I could to someone to just give her the blasted epidural, knock her out, anything but watch her suffer like this. Shae remained her rock and her comforter and shot me a look that said suck it up Amanda and get with the program! I became a blubbery mess holding her hand. Her poor husband felt helpless and I think was a tad relieved to have us there to help him. He would kiss her on the forehead and tell her how much he loved her and I was slightly afraid for his life for getting that close to her after what I had already experienced. Her mom stayed at her feet, like a smart woman,  giving her an encouraging word and trying to make her laugh.


Suddenly she went from 5 cm to 8cm and instantly started pushing. I looked around and realized, um, there is no doctor in here. Then his little head was out, um....hello there is still no doctor in here!!!! The nurse stepped up like a BOSS! A few good pushes, profanities, and bone curling screams later, he was here. A few minutes later, the doctor walked in and realized there wasn't much left for her to actually do.




After we all oo'd and ahh'd over this precious life that had just caused so much upheaval, I looked at my friend and told her how beyond proud I was of her and how in awe I was that she pushed through that. Her loving response to me was, "I just couldn't figure out why you were taking the wet rag off my head during the contractions when I needed it the most!?!" I didn't bother to tell her then it was hard to chase a head that was spinning like something out of the exorcist!













Notice the time on that clock and do the math in your head.





Happy Birthday baby boy! You are blessed with two parents who love you very much and two Aunts who witnessed what your mother went through for you and have no problem grabbing you by the hair of your head and having an impromptu come to Jesus meeting with you at any given point in your life that you cause her grief!   
Love Aunt Man Man and Aunt Shae

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Nails on a chalkboard

Do you remember when your child was a baby and you just could not wait for the moment they could say their first words? Then one day you found yourself imagining some sort of bionic earplugs? That's where I've been lately. I might need to put a disclaimer on my blog just to make sure everyone knows that I am madly deeply head over heels in love with my child but as any parent knows raising them is the hardest job you will ever have. Every season of their life comes with a different obstacle and it seems as if once you move past that one you get a whole new one to deal with. I am currently residing in the I am almost 8 years old so I know far more than you do syndrome that comes with the complete package of sarcasm, smart mouth, and the all too often eye roll. Here are five of his favorite phrases that he is currently using that are currently the equivalent of fingers on the chalkboard for me:

1- "who cares, I don't care". Yes that is all one fluent sentence. He is asking and answering a question all in one statement. 
Example: Colby if you do not brush your teeth they are going to rot out of your mouth!
"Who cares, I don't care"

Colby put your seatbelt on. You would not want mommy to have a wreck and you go through the windshield would you?
"Who cares, I don't care"

2- "It's my life, my rules". This one makes me want to, very lovingly, pinch his head straight off his shoulders. 
Ex: Colby you cannot eat pancakes on the couch
"It's my life, my rules"

Colby you cannot wear that, it doesn't match
"It's my life, my rules"

3- "ewwwwww you just got burned". I thought surely this phrase died in 1998. Apparently not being that it is his favorite thing to say these days. It also has a "cute" little hand motion that goes with it. The funny part about this one is he barely says it at a time when it actually applies. 

Ex: I catch a red light in the morning when we are already running late.
"Ewwwww mom you just got burned!"

I spill something, drop something, do anything that follows with an "oh crap"...Yes I say crap around my kid. I'm convicted of it every time, but it is better than other choice words. Just give me this one okay...
"Ewwwww mom you just got burned" 

4- "right now". It is my honor to provide for my child. He is a true gift and treasure from God, but when he tags the phrase "right now" to the end of a question it makes my horns spike right out of my head!

Ex: Mom can you bring me my chocolate milk,remote, plate, iPod,  red motorcycle with the white number plate with the blue guy with the yellow helmet "right now". 

"Mom can you come here." Five seconds later "mama I said can you come here…… " Five seconds after that "mom I said come here right now"

5- "you're the worst mom ever". I would love to admit that this one doesn't hurt my feelings because I know he loves me very much but it does poke at my heartstrings. Like every other man figures out in his lifetime, He knows exactly what to say to hurt my feelings and this is it. The decent thing about my child is even though it may take an hour for regret to set in, I generally do get an apology for this phrase. 

Ex: Colby I understand that you want to go to _______ house, but you can't go unless you're invited. You can't just show up to _____ house uninvited. 
"Your the worst mom ever"

Colby for the 10th time I said no candy at the checkout line!
"Your the worst mom ever" 

I tried a new tactic today that made him change his tune. As I was folding clothes earlier a song was on TV and I was doing myself a little happy dance folding my clothes. He was totally embarrassed and was pleading with me to stop. I then responded to him and said how embarrassed would you be if mommy did that dance in front of all of your friends? His jaw immediately dropped and he said you would never do that to me. With a simple smile I looked at him and said if you ever tell me I'm the worst mommy ever again I can promise you that every last one of your friends will see your mommy do that dance....repeatedly.....with hand motions and singing. Hopefully the idea of that mortified him enough that we can keep that last one at bay for a little while.